LIFE TURNED ON: Create an inspired life!

Staying on Track With Your Goals

2010-12-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

Almost as soon as you decide to make a change in your life, obstacles will appear to test your commitment to your goals, often in the form of conflicting priorities. To keep on the path and reach your destination, it’s essential to have an accurate map, a reliable compass, and a workable plan.

Be clear about what you want

What is the outcome you’re seeking? “Getting in shape” is too vague. Do you want to fit into a pair of jeans you used to wear or keep up with your grandchildren for two hours at the beach or run a mile without being out of breath?

Think of something specific and measurable that will tell you when you have realized what you set out to do. Now you have a reference for making moment-to-moment decisions that will move you closer or farther away from your goal. “Should I take the stairs or the elevator?” “Should I order the chef salad or the hamburger?”

Remember why you’re doing it

A compelling “why” will provide the motivation that propels you on the road to mastery. What will you be able to do or have when you achieve your goal? The vitality to pursue your dreams? The satisfaction of accomplishing something difficult and worthwhile? The confidence that you can meet a challenge and succeed? Make a list of the “goals behind your goal.”

Also, think about how you want to feel as you work toward your goal. Acknowledge the courage, dedication, focus, and integrity you are cultivating. It makes the effort a reward in itself so that you’re already winning even before you approach the finish line.

Smoothe the path to action

Create strategies that make it easier to say yes. The fewer steps it takes to practice the behaviors you want, the greater the chance of success.

Commit to specific time or situational triggers that support your goal. For instance, put your aerobics or yoga class or gym workout on your schedule like any other important engagement. Plan to go for a walk right after supper. Pack your workout clothes before you go to bed.

If you want to trim down, eat an apple or banana before you have dessert. Drink a glass of water before you have coffee, tea, or soda. Use a smaller plate, cup, and bowl than you used to. You get the idea.

Congratulations on taking steps toward the life you want to live. May you discover strengths you didn’t know you had along the way!

Move toward love, not away from fear

2010-11-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about motivation—why we do what we do—and it boils down to two things: love and its opposite, fear.

Fear is reactive; love is creative. Fear comes from a place of lack; love issues from abundance. Fear is exhausting; love is energizing. And perhaps most important, fear is concerned with survival; love is about being alive.

So here’s my encouragement: move toward love, not away from fear.

Notice moment by moment what’s driving your thoughts and behavior. Is it love or fear? Things may look exactly the same on the outside, but the energy, the experience, will be completely different.

Say, for instance, I want to get in shape and I make a resolution to walk for an hour three times a week. Sounds good, right? But why do I want to do this?

Is it so I’ll have the energy to accomplish the things that excite me and make the world a better place? Is it out of respect for the marvelous being that I am? Is it a joyful expression of my strength and power?

Or is it because I’m unsatisfied with who I am? Do I think getting in shape will make me more worthy somehow? Will I transform myself into someone more acceptable than I am right now?

How do you tell whether you’re doing things from love or from fear? One way is to see whether you’re trying to control yourself. If you’re trying to control yourself, you’re operating from fear.

From an early age we’re trained to be afraid of who we are.

I don’t believe babies compare themselves to other babies or have thoughts like “I should be crawling by now. What’s wrong with me?” or “Am I asking too much? I don’t want to be a bother.” or “God, I’m fat! I hate my body.” They just seem to have an endless unselfconscious fascination with the world around them.

As we develop, we are socialized by the giving or withholding of approval and when we are small and dependent, acceptance means survival. Pretty soon, we’ve internalized our trainers and we have an onboard guidance system that asks, “Who do I have to be so that you will love me?”

I have spent much of my life living from the belief that I am not enough. It hasn’t made me a better person. In fact, I would say there isn’t any such thing as a “better person.” Instead, it has been a tremendous obstacle toward experiencing the strength, the truth, the beauty of who I am. How about you?

Starting today, just observe with clarity and compassion what’s motivating you, moment by moment. Don’t resist what you see and don’t try to change it yet. Accept that this is part of being human, part of being you. No need to be afraid of being afraid.

Copyright 2010 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved

The Power of Commitment

2010-10-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

During a three-day yoga intensive last weekend led by my dear friend and mentor Cindy Dollar at One Center Yoga in Asheville, I discovered something while attempting Warrior III pose. (Virabhadrasana III for you Sanskrit scholars.)

In case you’re not familiar with this, in the completed pose the yogi balances on one leg and extends the torso and arms forward and the other leg back so that they are parallel to the floor. Viewed from the side, it looks like you are forming the letter “T” with your body, almost as if you were about to take flight.

This is a challenging pose for me for reasons that involve balance, flexibility and strength. And, because I don’t feel like I’m “good” at this pose, I seldom practice it. So, of course, I never will be good at it because I don’t practice it, right?

My a-ha came when I realized I wasn’t trusting myself enough to fully commit my weight to the standing leg. I would kinda, sorta extend myself and then wobble and fall out of it, hoping to get an “A” for effort until the teacher directed us on to something else.

When I saw what I was doing, I took a breath and started over. I extended, got fully into the pose, and felt that rush that comes when you let go and are swept along by the energy of the moment. And after a few moments I wobbled and fell out of the pose again.

It was great! I reconnected to my intentions and felt the power of who I am and what I can achieve. Since then, I am finding more things every day to say “Yes!” to as new opportunities present themselves. It’s exciting and joyful.

May you trust yourself to be OK with falling and say “Yes!” to whatever life is inviting you to do or be right now. You just might find yourself flying instead.

Namaste,

Gene

Wishes vs. Intentions

2010-08-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

This morning, I read in a blog entry that the writer “intended” that her child be able to participate in an event that was already closed to new entries and that the child have a good day. It brought me up short. Here's why:

To me, an intention is a decision to take action, not an expression of what I want. For instance, I can’t intend to win a race—I can wish to win and intend to run faster than everybody else.

Why is this important? Because my wishes—or my vision or dreams, if you like—are about outcomes that will happen in the future. They are vital to give me direction and fuel for the journey. My intentions, on the other hand, are my commitment to live in this moment in ways that bring my wishes into reality.

For example, I want the experience of financial security and to be free from fear of lack. That feeling is my wish. I have a vision of living in a certain kind of house in a certain neighborhood; driving a certain car; having a certain amount of income, savings and investments; having the money to enjoy travel and vacations and helping others.

How can I experience that right now, in my life today? My intention is to notice and be thankful for who I am and what I have, to focus on what I can give before what I need, and to reach out to more people through my writing and social media to let them know how they can access their own power and truth.

When I do these things, I feel wealthy and grateful and generous right now while I wait for my circumstances to shape themselves into the realization of my vision. My experience doesn’t depend on my circumstances; it depends on my intentions and the actions that follow.

What are your wishes, your dreams? What are your intentions? What can you do today to be fulfilled?

All the best,

Gene

Creativity Feeds the Day

2010-08-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

Around the first of this year I started writing fiction about two characters who have been in my head for some time now. At first, I would sit down every now and then and empty the ideas that had occurred to me onto the page. Then, a month ago I began writing for 30 minutes every day right after breakfast. As of this morning, I have written 58 pages.

This has transformed my life. Really!

I start the day having fun doing something that puts me in the flow and I can feed off that energy for the rest of the day. Not only am I excited and inspired, but the imaginative, inventive part of my brain stays turned on for use in addressing everyday problems.

The activity is its own reward. I’m playing, not working, not focused on an outcome or meeting some standards of what is good. That keeps it easy and fun.

I have found it’s essential to do this BEFORE I check e-mail or read anything written by someone else or listen to the news on the radio. That way, I have allowed space in my mind for my own original thoughts instead of filling it up with someone else’s.

So, what is something you could do first thing that would connect you and nourish and inspire you? “Creativity” doesn’t have to be limited to fine arts. I suggested to one of my sisters, who loves gardening, that she consider working in her flower beds before getting ready to go to work. It could be anything you find meditative or expressive.

If you choose to try this, I would love to hear about what you experience and what you learn. Please comment here. (Click the "# Comments" link below.)

Although I have deliberately this activity playful, I realized a few days ago that I have the beginnings of a novel here. I’ll let you know when it’s ready for you to read.

Stay creative!

Gene

What's holding you back?

2009-06-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

“It is the truth that offers us this freedom, the freedom to test what we are taught, to accept what we feel in our hearts, to believe what we know in our bones, and to love ourselves—including the worst aspects of ourselves—until we see through enough of our illusions to discover who we were really meant to be. At that point, we will have dismantled the biggest lie, the most profound denial of all: the denial of our own inestimable power and value.”

— Martha Beck, The Joy Diet (Crown Publishers: 2003)

What have you been putting off? Is it something that, once you do it, will make a substantial difference in your life? An exercise plan that will give you more energy? A talk with someone about a relationship that’s out of balance? A project that will move you to the next level of fulfillment and/or prosperity?

For me, a big one is marketing myself—getting out of my cave and letting people see how my talents can make a difference in their lives and businesses. Letting them see what a funny, bright, likable guy I am if you look past my shyness. I will meet someone I could collaborate with or get a lead from a friend and then … nothing. Six weeks can go by and I haven’t followed up.

And the stories I tell myself! “That probably won’t work out anyway, so why try?” “I’ll get to it when I’m ready.” “I’m not prepared. I don’t have the right business cards, website, presentation, credentials, references, resumé.…” In other words, I believe the lies I have learned to tell myself. How sad.

Bottom line: I’m scared. Scared I’m not experienced enough, talented enough, smart enough—yes, good enough—to be accepted and valued. And so, to avoid the pain of that, I put things off that would help me live a more joyful, prosperous, peaceful life.

The truth is that I sometimes feel inadequate. It is also true that there is nothing in my experience that shows that I actually am inadequate. That’s just a story someone taught me long ago.

Exploring the edge

I am learning to move into those tight, uncomfortable places that are the door to freedom. Yesterday I went to a entrepreneurs’ networking lunch. Beforehand, I was nervous. “What if they don’t like me?” Once I got there I was fine—relaxed and articulate. I came away feeling I had made new friends. I am in the process of trading services with two of them in ways that will help us all succeed. Go, Gene!

To progress, I have to work mindfully and skillfully at the edge of my resistance. I go to that edge and watch with curiosity and kindness to see what inside me is holding me back. As I watch, the edge softens and a space opens. I find new thoughts, new energy, new opportunities, new willingness, new possibilities. I move into the space, right up against my faithful edge, and wait for the next opening so I can move again.

Practice invitation

Pick an area in your life where you feel unfulfilled or know you could do better. It doesn’t need to be high stakes.

Where’s your edge? When you approach this thing, where do you first meet resistance? What story do you tell yourself about this? “It’s not that important.” “I don’t have time.” “I don’t have what it takes.” “This is just the way I am.”

What do you usually do as a result? Fight against it? Distract yourself? Tell yourself you’ll do it some other time when you’re feeling stronger, more confident, less stressed …? How well have those stories worked so far?

Try this: Stop pushing; stop running away. Stay with the discomfort and see what is really true. “I don’t want to do this because ________.” Don’t believe the stories that say you can’t have what you long for. They’re like blind ghosts giving you bad directions. Instead, be creative. Try something new and see what happens. What have you got to lose? The lies never kept you safe; they only kept you imprisoned.

Each time you confront your limits, you reclaim part of yourself. And the world gets better because there is more of you to give to it.

Thank you for all of us.

Gene

Gene Smith

Life & Wellness Coach

Life Turned On™

lifeturnedon@gmail.com

Wild Life

The Wild Life monthly practice group meets this Saturday, June 20, 1:00-3:00 PM, in Asheville, NC. We'll have tea and explore more deeply how we can go beyond the limits we create for ourselves. For details, click here.

Giving to receive

2009-05-04T07:39:00.000-07:00

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

— from “When Death Comes” by Mary Oliver

It seems like a lot of us are worrying lately. Worrying about money. Worrying about health. Worrying sometimes about whether our lives are headed in the right direction and whether there is time (once again) to change course and accomplish anything. Sound familiar?

I find that when I focus on what I think I need and don’t have, life seems small, constricted. I feel a kind of panic in my body as if I’m fighting for air. To me, greed isn’t so much a sin as an affliction; it keeps me isolated and miserable.

Fortunately, there’s a reliable cure: generosity—to myself and the world. Instead of focusing on what I lack and scrambling desperately to get it (“Oh, please, hire me, feed me, love me …”), I wake up each morning and think, “What am I going to create today? What am I going to give the world?” And life becomes more spacious. I feel peaceful and calm and powerful—and excited. And that’s a gift to me.

Maybe you thought I was going to say that gratitude is the cure. It is if it takes form in action. Recognizing and appreciating who we are (our genius, our beauty) and what we have (the people, relationships and resources available to us) are a good start, but only that. To be “married to amazement,” “to take the world into our arms” requires honoring what we have been given by using those things to make a difference in the world.

Today I want to cultivate a healthy body, an animated spirit, a clear mind, and a generous heart. I want to dwell in my highest self: Alert and powerful. Amazing. Connected. Confident. Sexy. Dangerous. Delightful. Insightful. Smart. Talented. Spirited. Reverent. Irreverent. Courageous. Compassionate. Creative. Funny. Alive!

I want to contribute to a world that’s kinder and more peaceful and more generous. I want to help others in whatever way I can to find their own truths and power and happiness. I want to experience the joy that comes with giving freely of my talents, my “gifts.”

What about you? What do you want to create today? Share a comment here and tell me about it. I’d really love to know.

My best to you,
Gene

Gene Smith
Life & Wellness Coach
Life Turned On™
lifeturnedon@gmail.com

Wild Life personal growth practice group
meets Saturday, May 16 • 1:00–3:00 PM
in downtown Asheville, NC
For details, visit our Meetup.com page.
(You don't have to join the group to attend the meeting.)
Have tea with us and share a lively exploration of how we can create the lives we want to live!

Copyright 2009 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved.

Creating abundance from the inside out

2009-04-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

Our theme this month is “Living Abundance,” an inquiry into how our beliefs and behaviors shape our experiences of prosperity or deprivation. With the voices of fear shouting at us from every side lately, this seems like a timely (and timeless) subject to explore. I’m very excited about all the ways we can approach this. Here is one for starters:

Instead of asking you what you desire, I want to ask something I think is more fundamental and more vital: What are you creating?

Imagine this: You’re in your house, watching angry floodwaters rise relentlessly toward you. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What will you do?

Now imagine this: The water’s still rising, only now you’re standing in a line of people at the end of your street, filling and stacking sandbags to build a levee. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What will you do?

How are the two experiences different? Why are they different? In both scenarios it’s still raining. Please add a comment. I would love to hear about what you see in this.

Bob and I have an adventure

Last month I had a day when I was feeling pretty depressed. I was exhausted and achy with migraine symptoms. Work was slow and I was worried about how I was going to pay the bills. Despair and shame were creeping up on me.

In the late afternoon I decided to go for a short walk. Turning the corner, I saw my neighbor, Bob, and I almost turned around before he could see me. Having an encounter seemed like adding weight to the load I was carrying.

Bob is in his 70s, hobbles due to painful bursitis in his hips, and often seems a bit foggy. He knows he knows me, but admits he’s often not sure how. He frequently asks me the same question several times in the course of a conversation. I like Bob, but, frankly, I sometimes try to sneak by him when I’m not in the mood to talk.

This time, he glanced up and saw me. Caught! His face lit up with childlike delight. You would have thought I was Santa and the Easter Bunny combined. “Oh, what the hell,” I thought.

When I reached him, Bob asked if he could hold onto my arm and walk with me a little bit. I said, “That’s fine,” and we shuffled along together. I had to concentrate to walk slow enough to keep his pace. As he will, Bob asked me where I was from several times over the course of as many minutes and kept apologizing for delaying me.

Here’s the funny thing: it wasn’t an imposition to help Bob. I liked the feeling of his trust in me. How my steadiness helped facilitate his walk down the street. How my genuine interest in him was reflected back in appreciation and affection. I usually don’t like to be touched by people I don’t know well, but I liked the feeling of his hand on my arm. Most of all, I liked the feeling of our being in this together.

Bob turned back about a block from his house and I continued on after he assurred me he was fine getting back on his own. He left me feeling stronger, more confident, and more willing to return home and tackle my own challenges. It was almost as if he had said, “Gene looks like he’s having a hard time. I think I’ll go lean on him so he can remember who he really is.” Thanks, Bob!

When I give myself to the world, I am reminded of all that I have. My special qualities are "gifts" to me and to everyone I share them with.

I believe we are all artists. Every day we wake up and shape our world.

What will you create today?

Wild Life monthly practice group
Saturday, April 18 • 1:00–3:00 PM
Asheville, NC

Living Abundance

How do you create a sense of energy, connection and possibility in an unstable world?

How can you redirect habitual thoughts of "lack and attack" that seek to limit you?

How can you create a life you are excited to wake up to every day?

In this month's mini-workshop we will explore simple, practical techniques for keeping our balance and increasing the likelihood of both enjoying what we have and getting more of what we want out of life.

Specific topics will include:

getting clear about the feelings that are the "goal behind the goal" of what you desire
using the energy of fear in the service of constructive action
focusing your awareness to keep you moving toward your goals
cultivating generosity, gratitude, and purpose

Bring a sense of playfulness and curiosity, as well as your experiences, insights and questions. Please wear comfortable clothes and bring writing materials. Tea will be available for those who want it.

Please go to www.meetup.com/WildLife for more details. There is no cost to join the group.

E-mail me if you have any questions. I look forward to seeing you.

Be good to yourself!

Gene

Gene Smith
Life & Wellness Coach
Life Turned On™
Create an amazing life!
lifeturnedon@gmail.com

Focus on Essentials

2009-02-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

“Anything less than a conscious commitment to the important is an unconscious commitment to the unimportant.”
— Stephen Covey

Does this sound familiar? There is something you say you want to do that’s going to make your life better, but you never seem to get started at it. You find yourself saying, “I’m going to __________ [your resolution] as soon as I get all of this __________ [other stuff] out of the way.” Since the supply of “other stuff” is endless, your resolution gathers dust in some corner of your spirit. The more time passes the less you want to look at it because doing so makes you feel like a loser.

Or maybe you are making progress on the exercise routine, the work project, the financial plan, your resolution to be more present in your relationships, a healthier diet—the things you know are going to enhance your ability to live the life you want—and then WHAM!, you’ve lost the path and are into the weeds and you don’t even know how you got there.

That happened to me recently. I had started work on the website for my coaching practice, Life Turned On, after having put it off for months. For a few days I was excited about designing the pages, writing the copy, and finding images to use. I was in the “flow”—that happy place where I feel connected to my truth and wildly creative, vibrantly alive.

And then … I lost my way and the project languished, nagging at me while I fell further and further behind on everything—work, contact with friends, self-care, housekeeping. I had gone from surfing this enormous wave to struggling in the undertow, exhausted and frightened of drowning.

Good news! When I stopped to reflect, I was able to see a number of things I had thought I should do that are not congruent with who I really am. I dropped them and resumed work on what gives me energy. I discovered a new way to publicize my groups and got that up and running. I finished the essay you’re reading. The website will be online this coming week. I’m back on the wave.

How can we stay aligned with our best lives, our “North Stars,” more of the time? Here is a place to start. See how it might work for you.

1) Stop

This is crucial. When you find you’ve lost your way, stop what you’re doing. Just stop. Even—especially—if you’re feeling a sense of urgency to keep going. Running faster in the wrong direction isn’t going to get you where you want to go. Step away from what you have been doing and go somewhere where you can be quiet and let things settle.

2) Embrace yourself

OK, this might sound corny, but so what? You’re a human being, having a human experience. I’ve never been successful at beating myself into becoming a better person. I doubt you have either. Take a step back and look at the person who is trying so hard. Hold her or him in your heart and say, “I am with you.”

3) Make a list of what’s really important

Quickly write down four or five things you value. Keep the list short and don’t spend a lot of time mulling this over. This is a work in progress you can always edit later. Right now, it’s time to get oriented and start moving again.

What do you love? What feeds your spirit? What are you good at? What does the world need more of?

Here is what I came up with: connection with the people I love, meaningful work, creativity, health, and spiritual practice.

Consider reserving one or several days sometime soon for a personal retreat to review your life and goals and create a more comprehensive plan. As a friend of mine says, “Be sure to put yourself on the schedule.”

4) Focus on essentials

Make a list of what you think you need to do right now, then cross off everything that doesn’t come under the heading of the essentials above. Let go of behaviors, thoughts, beliefs, possessions, commitments, and relationships that don’t move you in the direction of a life you want to wake up to every day.

Simple, yes. Easy to do, no. Worthwhile, absolutely! Don't be deterred if you hear a voice telling you it's too much. Start small and work from there, but start NOW. As golf legend Ben Hogan is quoted as saying, "Every day I don't practice is one more day it will take to get better."

Today, once again my life feels like a tremendous gift. May the same be true for you.

My best to you,
Gene

Practice opportunity: Wild Life
Saturday, February 21 • 1:00–3:00 PM

Ready to go further? We’ll explore more methods to Focus on Essentials, including concentrating on fundamentals, prioritizing your day, rituals to get and stay oriented, and eliminating distractions. We’ll have a lively discussion about how we can practice staying focused on what’s really important and, hopefully, even find some things to laugh about. Feel free to contact me if you have questions.

Cost: $20 for the mini-workshop and discussion

To sign up at Meetup.com: click here (There is no cost or commitment to join the group on Meetup.com.)

For directions to the meeting place: click here

Making Space

2008-11-13T18:39:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I’ve been exploring space the past few weeks and it has been wonderful. Not the “outer space” astronauts travel through, not the “final frontier” of Star Trek fame, but an inner receptacle of expansiveness, abundance and possibility, of quiet optimism and contentment. It’s a welcoming place where I create the life I want from the life I have. Care to join me? Ready to create some space of your own?

There are things—possessions, feelings, behaviors, relationships, positions—we say we want more of. And yet our “containers”—our time, energy and attention, our houses, our bodies, minds and spirits—are already filled up with other “stuff.” Where is the room to put that thing we long for?

The first step, I think, is to let something go before trying to add anything new, even if the two seem unrelated. For a long time I have wanted to exercise more regularly. When I do, I feel better and am happier and more productive. I kept trying to squeeze exercise into my life, which only worked for a little while and aggravated my sense of there not being enough time, energy or willpower to be the person I know I can be.

One thing I did recently was to stop compulsively checking my e-mail many times a day. Now I budget up to 30 minutes twice a day to see what’s there and reply as needed. My stress level has gone down with the backlog in my inbox. I feel more focused and on top of things; I’m managing my time better and experiencing inner prosperity. One result: I am taking a walk and/or getting on the yoga mat almost every day, further increasing my sense of well being and accomplishment.

Here are some others:

I let go of: feeling tense and impatient while waiting in line or at a traffic light,
making room for: noticing the other people also waiting; the play of shadow, light, shapes and colors; trees dancing in the wind, etc.,
with the result that I: feel calmer and more connected.

I let go of: listening to the news while having breakfast,
making room for: inner stillness and an opportunity to notice how I’m feeling,
with the result that I: have a greater sense of clarity and gratitude for the blessings of this life.

I let go of: the stack of old magazines and library books waiting to be read,
making room for: an opportunity to focus on what is most important,
with the result that I: am less distracted, have less energy drain from unfinished business, and inhabit a more productive, healthier house and workspace.

I let go of: folding laundry, working at the computer, washing dishes, etc., when I’m on the phone,
making room for: not having my attention fragmented,
with the result that I: am more relaxed and fully present to the people I care about.

You get the picture. What do you want more of? Peace? Love? Joy? Energy? Health? Money? Satisfaction? What are you holding on to instead? Are you willing to settle for that?

Practice invitation:

Maybe space is not empty. Maybe it’s a field of unlimited potential waiting for you to step into it and create the life you yearn for. Identify the second-rate or no longer useful behaviors, emotions, attitudes, beliefs, objects and relationships that are cluttering up your life—no matter how seemingly insignificant or benign—and discard them. See what wonders arrive to take their places. Don’t waste another moment of your precious life.

I would love to hear about your “space adventures.” Drop me a line or join us on Saturday, September 19, for our next practice group session (details below).

Wild Life
Life Turned On™ monthly practice group
Saturday, September 19, 2009 • 1:00–3:00 PM
12 Von Ruck Court, downtown Asheville
Click here for directions.
There is no charge to join the group. We do ask for a voluntary contribution when you attend a meeting to help cover our costs.

Wishing you the best,
Gene

Gene Smith
Life & Wellness Coach
Life Turned On™
828.231.7688
lifeturnedon@gmail.com

Emotional Energy: Mobilizing for Change

2008-08-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anais Nin

The chapter on emotional energy in Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz’s book, The Power of Full Engagement (The Free Press, 2003), is subtitled “Transforming Threat Into Challenge.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

Remember our discussion last month about facing fear? If not, it's in the July postings here on the Life Turned On™ blog. Fear provides information that something needs our attention. It’s like those lights and gauges on the dashboard of your car.

When I’m facing difficulties sometimes I begin to feel overwhelmed and stall out, finding ways to ignore, deny, or procrastinate about what the fear is telling me rather than experience the discomfort and move forward. Then it’s like I have unplugged the sensors connected to the gauges or put a piece of tape over the lights so I won’t see them. “Out of sight, out of mind,” right?

Meanwhile, the cluttered closet, the unresolved relationship conflict, the persistent ache in the belly, the worry about finances, the nagging feeling that life is more than just survival are consuming life energy that could be used to address them. Like an overdue bill, the interest continues to mount as the principal goes unpaid.

I will neglect things that need attention and repair (including/especially my own body!) rather than face the fear that I’m inadequate to deal with them. Am I really incapable of solving these problems? The evidence is no. I have taken on many challenges and worked through them. Maybe not always gracefully, maybe with hindsight thinking I could have done it better—but I’m still here, my spirit today is stronger than it has ever been, and my life has become a fascinating—and sometimes scary—adventure.

When I was a therapist, clients would sometimes ask me if I could guarantee that if they faced the fears that limited them and did the hard work of changing lifetime habits would they get the outcomes they wanted? And I had to say, “No, I can’t promise if you take this on and face your pain that you’re going to have everything you want. What I can promise is that if you don’t try, the odds of things changing are about zero. And I can guarantee you’re going to have a different experience starting right now if you accept the challenge and ride out to meet the dragon than you will if you hide in your cave and wait for it come get you.”

Even if it kicks your butt, go show the dragon what you’re made of. It’s not your enemy, it’s your training partner.

Practice exercise: moving from anxiety to action

What have you been putting off dealing with? What are some steps, however small, you could take this week to come to grips with it? Be specific about what you’re going to do, write in your calendar when you’re going to do it, and tell a supportive friend or family member beforehand what you intend to do and afterwards report on how it went.

We’re looking for progress here, not perfection. Recognize and reward your efforts to change. Don’t believe the voices of blame and shame. Simply by facing the dragon you have become a hero.

Copyright 2008 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved.

Mental Energy: Attention & Intention

2008-08-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

3. Keep in mind that happiness is mostly dependent on our state of mind, not on our status or the state of our bank account. Barring extreme circumstances, our level of well being is determined by what we choose to focus on (the full or the empty part of the glass) and by our interpretation of external events. For example, do we view failure as catastrophic, or do we see it as a learning opportunity? — from Tal Ben-Shahar's Six Tips for Happiness, as presented on NPR

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” — Anais Nin

When I have a migraine, it usually means I'm going to cycle between hot baths and lying in bed, doing my best to stay quiet until it passes, often in about 24 hours. My energy is drained, I'm in pain, and I can't concentrate. Bright lights, strong odors, and loud sounds can seem intolerable. It's not much fun and it takes days to rebuild my stamina after it’s over.

On Thursday, I found myself slipping into an habitual pattern of thinking that it was my fault that I had a headache and that I'm broken, weak and hopeless. That added a huge weight of suffering on top of the pain I was already experiencing. In addition, I was anxious about all the things that weren’t getting done and feeling overwhelmed at all I was going to need to do to catch up when I felt better (including writing this post). Whew!

Lucky for me, I have a lot of practice paying attention to what's going on in my head and heart. After getting thrashed around for a while in the whirlpool of negativity, I regain my perspective and then my power. It helps that I'm blessed to have friends who are skilled at providing a reality check when I need one.

And so after a little while I woke up to the effects of the negative thoughts I was having and decided instead to acknowledge what a good job I was doing taking care of myself in very trying circumstances. I also recognized that by making my immediate needs a priority I was speeding my recovery so I could get back to work sooner. Even though I still felt bad physically, emotionally I was much more at peace. It felt like I had gone from being in the presence of someone who was selfish and spiteful to one who was loving and supportive, from being assaulted by my critic to being cheered on by my coach.

Over the following days I have made rest, mild, exercise and eating well a priority. When I have stopped to take inventory, I have seen that I actually am getting a fair amount accomplished, even though my "do list" is stretching into next week. Though I'm still tired, my confidence and optimism have returned. I'm thinking about possibilities instead of feeling burdened. While talking to a friend recently, she remarked that I was a different person from the one she spoke with at the end of last week. Choosing the most skillful way to interpret my experience made all the difference. It's good to be back.

Practice exercise:

What is your explanatory style? That is, when you explain to yourself the events, situations and experiences in your life, do you tend to:
1) take them personally (“It’s my fault that happened.”)
2) see them as permanent (“I always lose my keys.”)
3) believe they are pervasive, i.e., see the situation as affecting every area of your life (“I can’t do anything right.”)

Pay attention to how your thoughts are shaping your experiences (which make up your life!). Are there equally valid and more empowering, more energizing explanations for what is going on?

Copyright 2008 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved.

Physical Energy: Foundation of Fulfillment

2008-08-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

This week, we're exploring the physical aspects of energy and how to manage it in the service of what matters most. Join us for the Sunday workshops in Asheville and Hendersonville, NC, if you can. It promises to be a lively discussion!

We all know the reciprocal relationship between our physical condition and our mental and emotional states. When we’re tired or sick, we tend to be more irritable, more reactive, less patient—more negative. It’s harder to sustain concentration, think creatively, be fully present to what’s going on inside us and around us—we’re less productive. I have come to recognize that the state of my physical energy is reflected in every aspect of my life, including the quality of my relationships, how clean my house is, and even in how much money I have in the bank.

And yet, I often hear myself and others say we want to get more exercise, eat more nourishing food, get more rest, maybe make space for quiet reflection, but there just isn’t enough time. I’ll get to it when I finish this project, when the kids are grown and on their own, when I retire.… What if it’s not about having enough time, but about priorities? Are we running so fast to get somewhere—or we really running AWAY from something? Hmmm.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said “Sleep is for the weak.” I think that kind of macho disdain for our physical selves is part of why so many are sleep-deprived in this country, with its attendant toll on our health and productivity. The same goes for poor diet, lack of exercise, and chronic stress. Why do we think it’s a virtue to see how little we can get by with?

I have come to recognize how I have treated even minor necessary maintenance like brushing my teeth with a degree of impatience and irritation. I have begun to notice how I delay responding to my body’s signals for rest, food, and even going to the bathroom with a slightly exasperated “Not now. I’ll get to you when I finish this.”

And when I get sick I feel betrayed. I don’t trust my body, in fact I’m probably afraid of it—yet it is my mind that is truly untrustworthy. Woody Allen said, “It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

I forget to be grateful that I have this body (and parts that need care and will eventually wear out). This body does wonderful things for me every day. Because of it I can communicate with the world, manipulate my environment, and use it as a vehicle to express the loving spirit that shines through me. My body grounds me in the present even as my mind swings from past to future. “Now is the moment of power,” in the words of the Huna tradition of Hawaii. What an amazing gift!

My mind is so used to bossing my body that I decided I would let them change places for a few days and see what happened. For instance, even though I felt a strong pull when I first got out of bed to check my voicemail and e-mail, instead I listened to my body and did what it asked—fed it or peed or did some stretching. Only after I had had breakfast and cleared the dishes away and was ready to give them my full attention did I make myself accessible to other tasks. If I started to lose concentration or felt tired in the afternoon, I took a nap or went for a walk, depending on what I thought I needed.

At first it was very uncomfortable. I felt tense and agitated when I didn’t give in to my mind’s sense of urgency to be engaged and/or distracted. And that sensation still comes up. More and more, though, I feel an enhanced sense of spaciousness, of possibility, of connection with myself and with the world around me. I’m more at peace, more “together,” more alive. What a marvelous way to be!

Practice exercise: Let the body lead

For the next week, listen to what your body is telling you moment to moment and then, as best you can, respond immediately to its needs. What happens when you do this? What happens when you don’t? What gets in the way?

If you’re willing, please add a comment to the blog about your experiences and insights.

Copyright 2008 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved.

Spiritual Energy: Aligning to Power

2008-08-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”
— Joseph Campbell

Dear Friends,

Here begins our four-week exploration of the conscious use of energy. This week, we’ll look at spiritual energy—how a sense of purpose beyond personal pleasure and survival can provide both fuel for our life journeys and a means of focusing that energy in the service of an "experience of being alive.” In the following weeks we’ll look at the physical, mental and emotional aspects of energy.

As I write this, I’m feeling tension because there are other things I feel I am neglecting in order to sit and compose this newsletter. I have chosen to turn my phone off, delay checking my e-mail, and ignore some household chores that await my attention. In addition to coaching I have a business writing and editing and providing marketing support for several businesses. There are projects I want to finish today for my clients and there’s a strong urge to attend to them NOW. Fear is whispering in my ear, “If you don’t do these other things first you’re going to lose your livelihood and be out on the street.”

And yet the reason this newsletter is going out today instead of earlier in the week is because I kept putting other projects ahead of this one and then running out of steam at the end of the day before I had done more than write a note here and there as part of drafting this. Does this sound familiar to you or am I the only being on this planet who feels torn apart by competing priorities and then finds himself running farther and farther behind?

Have you ever watched a bird bringing food to a clutch of hungry nestlings? The babies are insatiable and competing loudly to “Feed me, FEED ME!” I know I’m projecting, but the mama or papa bird always seems so harried and exhausted to me. That’s probably because I feel that way myself much more often than I want to.

All of these tasks are important and I intend to perform them. How do I choose what to focus on in this moment? How can I be more intentional instead of reactive? For that I need a map and a compass. The map is my guiding “big picture” vision of what my life looks like when I’m at my best. The compass is the clear awareness that I use to evaluate my choices so I can pick the right one in this moment that will keep me in alignment with that vision. We started talking about this a few weeks ago in our session on “Living from the Inside Out.”

I am choosing to write this newsletter right now because I remembered the joy and sense of meaning I get from doing this work and sharing it with you and the way it feeds my spirit. When I finish, I’ll take a few breaths, look at the map, and choose the next thing I’m going to do. The fears will arise and I’ll remember the joy and turn to face it. Again and again and again.

Practice exercise

Here’s another opportunity to work on creating your map. Pick three personal qualities you value. For this week, I’m choosing courage, kindness, and creativity.

How will you apply these qualities to the next decision you make? How will you remind yourself to come back to them when the busyness of your life and its competing demands distract you?

Set aside some time to reflect on this and write down your intentions. As the week unfolds be sure to give yourself credit each time you remember and each time you notice that you have forgotten. Reward the behavior you want to reinforce; don’t punish yourself for what doing you don’t want.

Who you are is important! Remember that!

Copyright 2008 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved.

Practicing Self-Acceptance

2008-07-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers, psychologist

I don’t speak baby talk very well, so I can’t claim to know what babies think about the world, much less about themselves. Nevertheless, I strongly suspect they DO NOT have thoughts like “What a loser I am. I must be the worst crier in the nursery” or “Boy, I really suck at crawling. What’s wrong with me?” much less “I really hate my body.”

Where, then, do the negative feelings we harbor about ourselves come from? I would say it’s from fear that we learned starting when we were small and dependent. Children are mostly socialized by the granting or withholding of approval. We quickly learn to equate acceptance with survival, which, given that we are social beings, holds some truth.

Why do we fear? Paradoxically, in order to feel in control. We learn that we can’t trust ourselves to be OK unless we’re threatened with negative consequences if we don’t follow the rules. Is that really true? Are we only good because we fear being punished if we’re bad?

I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that. If that were true, why are there more people in prison that ever? It’s just not my experience that I’ve ever been successful in beating myself into becoming a better person.

What I do know is that I’m basically good, albeit unskillful at times. I suffer when I forget that and fall back into what Tara Brach in her sweet book Radical Acceptance (2003, Bantam Books) calls “the trance of unworthiness.”

It’s late and so I’m going to cut to the chase here, even though there is a lot more I could (and will) say about this. Join us for one of the discussion groups this Sunday either in Asheville or Hendersonville if you can and we’ll talk more.

Practice exercise:

Looking for the perfect relationship? Start here!

Describe how you would feel, what you would receive, how you would be treated if you found your perfect love. Do you long to be known, accepted, appreciated, honored, inspired? Maybe even worshipped a little bit? (It’s OK. Really!)

I know you see this coming: be the lover you want to find, as much as you can, to everyone you encounter, including that person you meet in the mirror. Move from waiting to receive to giving freely and your cup will fill as you experience the fullness, the goodness of who you really are. Simple as that.

Copyright 2008 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved.

Facing Fear: Engaging What Limits Us

2008-07-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” — Marie Curie

What if I said that fear could be your friend? Well, OK, not friend exactly (you don’t have to like it), but it could be your ally. Let me explain.…

Fear offers information that something needs your attention. Its purpose is to help you survive, either physically or psychologically. Unfortunately, what starts out seeming like a fortress can end up becoming a prison, shielding us from potential pain while at the same time making our worlds so much smaller. What we want to do, then, is to look deeper at the fear to discover what response is going to move us toward freedom and out of bondage.

So, what are you afraid of? Pick an issue that, if it were resolved, would substantially improve the quality of your life. Take a few minutes if you need to mull this over and then write a brief statement in your journal describing the fear.

Here are some further questions to ask yourself:

1) In what circumstances does this fear arise?

2) What other emotions, if any, accompany this fear? (anger, shame, despair, etc.)

3) When did you first experience this fear?

4) Is the fear based on an experience you had or were you taught to have this fear?

5) Is the fear in response to what is happening in this moment or to an imagined/projected event?

6) Is this fear about your physical survival (that bear chasing you through the woods) or to your sense of self (like fear of how well you will perform a task)?

A handy model I was taught about emotions is this: first there is a stimulus (situation or experience), followed by a thought about what the stimulus means, followed by an emotional reaction. Got that? Stimulus> thought> emotion. The part that is often overlooked is the one in the middle—the thought. With awareness, that’s where we can learn to choose and exercise control.

Here’s an example: A dog walks into a room. There are two people there, one of whom loves dogs and another who is afraid of dogs. These people are having entirely different reactions to the dog, but the dog is the same. Why? Because, of course, they have different beliefs about dogs and we tend to filter our experiences to confirm what we already believe.

In my workshops and coaching sessions I often begin by saying, “Don’t believe anything that I tell you.” This usually gets a chuckle. I then go on to encourage people to examine what I say to see if it really is true for them and also to see whether what I’m saying is actually useful. If my ideas don’t meet both tests, please disregard them. That’s Part A. Part B is—are you ready?—don’t believe what you tell yourself either without administering the same tests. Ah!

Invite your fear in and ask these questions: What am I telling myself this stimulus/situation means about me? What evidence do I have that what I believe is really true about this situation? How does this fear benefit me? What does my current response to this fear cost me? Is it worth it?

Compassion and a sense of curiosity are a must. A sense of humor helps, too. What, you’re a human being having a human experience? Welcome to the club!

Practice exercise:

Who is the fear inviting me to be? In other words, what qualities am I being asked to develop in order to meet this fear? Look past the discomfort and aversion. Find out where your fear is directing you to create more balance in your life and develop new capacities. There is much energy there, waiting to be set free.

Copyright 2008 Eugene Y. Smith, III. All rights reserved.

Living from the Inside Out

2008-07-09T21:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about life change a lot recently—what drives it, what directs it, what sustains it—and I keep coming back to a phrase I heard a friend use some time ago: “living from the inside out.” She meant she wanted to live her life as an expression of who she truly is instead of trying to be someone she was taught she was supposed to be. To be driving her life instead of just being a passenger. Sound familiar?

Almost without exception, we were raised to look outside ourselves for validation and approval. As adults, it’s no wonder then that so many of us don’t really know who we are or what we want. We are not used to being asked that question in a fundamental way. Even considering it can bring up fears of not surviving (psychologically if not physically) if we don’t conform to what we believe is expected of us. And yet …

Remember an event in your life where you were in the “flow,” where you felt happy, excited, peaceful, powerful. Where time expanded into a limitless Now. Close your eyes and revisit that experience. Notice what you are thinking, if you are thinking of anything. What sensations are present in your body? How would you describe your emotions? Is there a sense of connectedness, of rightness, of being home?

Want to spend more time in that place? Want to feel more alive? Of course you do. Me, too! So, why don’t we? One hindrance is what I call “Yes, but.” The tape goes something like this: “Yes, I want to live more fully, but if I do … I will let down the people who depend on me … the world would fall apart if everyone did that … that would be too selfish … people won’t like/love me … eventually I’ll end up under a bridge and die.” Fill in your own variation of this script. What’s significant here is the “either/or” (dualistic) thinking this represents. There’s the trap.

How do we know we can’t be true to ourselves and also be happy, loved, successful, prosperous and, yes, responsible? I have been telling people recently that I noticed my house started getting cleaner after I began taking regular afternoon naps. Now I know that when the house gets untidy I need to pay more attention to taking care of myself BEFORE I pull out the vacuum. Being “selfish” increases the likelihood I will be “responsible.” Hmmm.

Because other people have projected their own fears onto us and then withheld their love and approval when we did anything that triggered those fears, we have been inhibited from exploring past the DANGER! signs they posted. I’m not suggesting you blindly and reactively do everything you were told not to do. I AM inviting you to stop and look deeply to see what is TRUE for YOU and then, as best you can in this moment, to act upon that information.

This week’s experiment

For the next week, here’s something to play with: pay attention to how you feel—mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually—as you make decisions moment by moment on what you say yes or no to. Do you feel alert or dull, enthusiastic or resistant, energized or tired, clear and decisive or conflicted? Do you feel differently when you say yes or no to the same thing at different times? Just notice—don’t try to change anything yet. You may want to write your observations in a journal. This is a great first step toward drawing a map of who you really are and what you really want. We’ll explore facing the fears that hold us back in a future session.

As the proverb says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with the next step.” Let’s get moving! As you embark on this expedition of discovery, may the road rise up to meet you.